Pitiful

Upon seeing my clean-shaven face (I hadn’t seen my baby face in nearly two years), many friends and students were a bit astonished. I rarely ever reset to my default setting; however, I seemed to have just cause. Most people assumed that with me now entering my mid-30’s that I was making yet another feeble attempt to regain my youth (and I do think a facial tabula rasa allows me to erase a good decade from the weathering façade).
But reality was much different, for several co-workers and I decided to have a mustache/beard competition.

So on November 5, I removed 600 days of identity to rediscover something akin to a youthful smile and attempt to win a competition I genetically had no chance to win. My Irish/Norwegian blood mixture has weakened over four generations only leaving me with its strongest traits of height and uncanny wherewithal to withstand drunkenness. So for all of you who thought I was a tad unusual for a Filipino, you now have your explanation. The test of manhood began in earnest when we all returned to school that Monday looking unnaturally pristine. The students observed that something was awry, but couldn’t quite put all the pieces together. Several female co-workers made a variety of remarks and suddenly wanted to get in the action by serving as judges. Students and teachers alike had a new topic of conversation to replace the usual gossip drivel of which students are dating each other and possibly which teachers are dating each other (sometimes I feel sorry for the new teachers, but it’s all part of the indoctrination into our social experiment termed high school; even I cannot escape the rumors, for students swore I was dating my former student teacher until they realized she was involved with one of my high school buddies, which I did not arrange at all—it just something that tends to happen to me that I’m connected to a vast number of people—which makes me wonder why I’m still single—ok, stop digression, I’ll get to that topic again later).

Over the next two weeks, people commented on my lack of ability to produce enough testosterone to have any chance in this competition. All this kind of humored me, especially since before the competition I was the only one who wore a beard regularly. Judgment Day was November 21 at our staff Thanksgiving potluck luncheon. It amazed me to see how many people were into our male bonding competition. A rubric was created with great thought, detail, and hilarity that would distinguish all our facial coats. Arias served as emcee and the competitors had to stand before our peers to be objectified. I requested some kind of handicapping should be given since I was the only Asian male on staff who could make the minimum standards of being able to grow a full beard and I was there to represent the other three. I was just laughed at.

The judges in their infinite teacher training created certificates/awards of participation to allow all of us to feel included in bringing our faculty together to witness this carnage. They bestowed upon me the unique distinction of Most Pitiful because I needed mascara to make my beard fuller. I don’t quite recall all the others. There was an Abe Lincoln award, a porcupine award, etc. I have to admit, the whole thing was quite hilarious. I accepted my derision whole-heartedly and loved how we as a staff gathered for something non-work related. We do need more things like this to keep our spirits and fuel other new kinds of rumors (I’ll blog about my birthday party later). After speaking with one of the new female teachers on staff, who is the subject of many a rumored inquiry, we thought about what kind of competition the women could have. No one really seemed interested in the leg hair contest. Yet, the idea of an evening gown competition is intriguing. Many of the teachers rebuffed my attempts at a faculty talent show for the students, but what if the show was turned into a faculty pageant. We can have beards as a category once again. The ladies can show off their finest evening wear and we can crown some winners. Maybe this will determine our teacher of the year. The students would love it, although I doubt they’d pay to watch it. But you would quickly find out who students love as they back their favorite colts in the race.

The odd thing now that this is all said and done. I kinda miss my face being clean shaven. Maybe I’ll stick with that for now. I need to look like I’m in my 20’s again. I’m having trouble finding single women my age. Apparently I’m too old for the younger women who are looking for perfection in a man, and I’m just now entering the age bracket that makes me suitable for all the single moms/divorced women who know perfection doesn’t exist. I just need to find a good answer to their thoughts about “What’s wrong with that guy? He’s 34 and single. Something must be wrong with him.” And to all the women I meet not in the education world, saying I’m a teacher, especially an English teacher, is truly the kiss of death.

If you'd like a more objective opinion regarding this tale of bearded woe, you can simply listen to two of the other teachers express what precipitated the making of this inaugural event. They definitely have a different humor about the matter since they are to blame in part for its conception. More importantly, you should listen to their podcast just because their funny and "random." Please check them out at http://therandyrando.blogspot.com

You'll also notice there is a link to them on the side of this blogsite.

Hopefully, I'll begin writing regular blogs, especially since I have promised so many different topics and have to deliver.